Just when I thought I had long lost my ability to cry genuinely, I find tears rolling down my cheeks. No, kimi did not ask me to marry him, I just happened to browse my sisters blog. I will hope with all my heart she looks down on my mindless drabble of a blog and not read this though.
She reminds me of everything I was at 15. And even more. Innocent, loving, sweet and a perpetual dreamer. I guess all that remains is the dreamer, dreaming one day I'll pull myself out of this mess.
My religious life, family life and future plans are all over the shop and it makes one wonder whether there is a time you should stop dancing through life being blindly ecstatic and optimistic and accept the truth that you fail. In more ways than one.
I'm not emo and angsty often but I guess 130am in a clubmed bed, dressed in tomorrows outfit so I won't need to pack again, looking at my sister sleep and typing on my iPad is one of those times. If only I had not dabbled in so much random crap these two years and clung on tighter to those close to me. If only I were not gaining weight like free. If only I could feel God imminent coming this Christmas. If only I had done my job as a sister, daughter and family member. Then maybe I wouldn't be here, in this muckheap.
If the nature of the world is entrophic, then I guess the mess always can beat the person trying to tidy it. Ignoring how sisyphian this is, I realize this is the first time I haven't picked up the pieces. I thought spending s holiday away would help but I guess after so long, it's hard to remember where you put the pieces, or how to operate the glue-gun.
Makes me wonder if I even want to fix things, or care to fix them.
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