Over again, don't let me change my mind

The old songs, the old feelings, the old feeling of obligation landing gently on your shoulders.

Sandra would say "AWW I melted <3" and Yanling would say "WOHOOO" (pronounced woh-ho) but, since the person involved is me, the only indication of all the emotion within shall remain a small smile and a raised eyebrow.

Lollipops are sweet, gifts are sweet, but, the sweetest thing of all is approval. Yes, it is so lovely to finally approval both of and from love :D

Religious thoughts (you have been warned)

Attending the Renewal in the Spirit Seminar after three years of nagging by Aunty June was interesting, to say the least. I went there expecting something like the experiences I had during retreats in Catechism Class..but I guess its always different being a spectator and a participant.

Faith is a gift which we should not squander. I guess that is why the story of the prodigal son touches me so deeply. It is only after squandering a rich gift that we realise we cannot regain our original position in life by our own power. Much as I'd love to be able to rest in the Spirit and pray for others like I did in CC3 and CC4, after your prayer-life has lost so much speed you are none other than the prodigal son who is only fit to come back as a servant.

But I do have faith in one thing: that God will be back for every single one of us. No one will be left behind. One day, when I whip up enough courage to move my butt over to the confessional and ask for forgiveness, I'm sure He will welcome me with open arms.

Look back on the carnage.

Hanfei says that there will be an EXCO meeting for the GotBridge people this weekend. While thinking through the things I want to bring up I inadvertently had to look back on these years I spent playing this game.

If you ironically consider it as a "game", I think I've lost this one. I'm not that much better at playing the game as when I started. I don't have a single medal or anything to speak of. I run a club with flailing membership and a website with bad grammar. And I'd love to blame the game for causing so much emotional crap on the sidelines in my time playing it.

I used to tell myself it was worth it because of all the friends I have there but now that they're all in army and busy "growing up", I have to admit that, at the very least, they were a very odd group of friends. If we take the words "odd", "group" and "friends" all very loosely.

I guess I have to thank all the people who were there on my calamitous journey through flawed bidding sheets, failed partnerships, random saigang positions and miscounted suits. So yeah, if you're reading this, all of you did and will have the same haunting effect on my life as an outstanding trump that you did not draw on a contract that you are running out of control of...and you have my thanks from the bottom of my heart (or Spade, or whatever the trump suit is xD).

I need help believing, you're with me tonight.

Maybe I'm brainless, maybe I'm wise,

You've got me seeing, through different eyes,

Somehow I've fallen under your spell

And somehow I'm feeling, its "up" that I fell.

I guess if I had gone to OBS with the DSTA scholars, I'd know that part of knowingly "falling" is "trusting" that someone will be there to catch you. I know a large part of me is constantly wound up in a -.^ skepticism about the world, but, barring jokes about my "suboptimal mass" a small part of me is falling deeper and and trusting deeper...in you.

To love freely. To feel the world without inhibitions. To let emotions run.

Maybe it really is that easy.

The small part of me falls for you, bringing with it the large scary countenance which I deal with the world with. And all of a sudden, all the walls that I built up around myself seem to come crashing down too.

Damn you, MengShuen.

And the feelings all catch up with you.

I always knew my emotions were a beat (or a few days) slow when things happen. I came up after dinner and sat down at my table and something snapped inside me. Like some floodgate to being generally-happy finally creaked open. Not the happiness that makes you laugh, nor the happiness that makes you jump about...but the happiness that makes you smile blankly into your computer screen and open a browser to blogger.com.

Maybe it was waking up at a semi-decent time and talking to my mother about politics over chocolate croissants. Maybe it was meeting up with random friends to talk about how guys are the most screwed up creatures the world has ever seen. Maybe it was coming home to a family dinner and feeling safe talking to people whom know you too well to bother judging you. Maybe it was playing spider solitaire on my phone while drinking ribena and eating chicken pies.

Or maybe it was something in between all that.

Maybe it was the feeling that things are starting to go right again.

...or maybe its a manifestation of my love for ribena and chicken pies.