Since my sister hasn't been posting to our tumblr...

...I get to spend my spare time posting here, oh how I've missed you you no-nonsense, rant-promoting, angsty textbox that is blogger.com!

The quarter is coming to an end and I've learnt many things this term in Uchicago:

1) When you are the 1% nerd in a 99% cool world, you are obliged to promote your inner nerd and be shunned by society. Its ok. For therapy we can always go to Uchicago.

2) One day far away, is far away for far too long (/cueoldnicklebacksongs) but one day where you belong is strength enough to keep standing strong, and keep holding on (/cueoldkellyclarksonsongs)

3) Cranberry/Orange juice. Best combination ever.

4) Nerd relationships=topological spaces. Also, we should have a bar named $\overline{X}$ (if you understand LaTeX. Oh the wonders that IBL has taught me.

5) The future is a bitchybitchy thing. Grad school, work, settling down, whether I should go get another plate of food...are all so difficult to plan for. And once you make set goals to work towards any one of these, it only seems exponentially more difficult. I tell myself all that matters is the moment, and doing the best you can with it...but I'm still not too sure if that's all that matters.

Dreams last for so long, even after you're gone.

How does a hot-air balloon fly?

When the air within the balloon is heated up to a higher pressure. When the air escapes the balloon, it lifts off the ground because the density of air in the balloon is lower than that of the surrounding air.

Maybe hot-air balloons have a lesson for us all. When we're under heat and pressure, we just want to fly up and get free. However, when we get into the air, we realise we've lost some of who we are and become hollower inside.

Dreams are lofty things, borne out of a heavy life. So be glad for the light life you have and don't burden it with dreams that are too high up.

You make me smile, maybe just for a while

Yes I am screwing up Colbie Caillat's lyrics. So sue me.

Emoticons carry much implicit meaning, I'm realising more and more as I think about the smile. Alright, let's not consider my IJ guides who epitomise the emoticon-overuser and send me an SMS with 15 smilies in it. Let us consider the normal applications of the smile, amid other much more mundane text, much like something "smilable-at" only has gravity within a day that is otherwise mundane or downright suboptimal.

Many things make you :D but few things make you :)

Because one can always laugh without being happy

Many things make you ^^ but few things make you :)

Because its easier to be happy with your eyes squeezed close

Many things make you :3 but few things make you :)

Because the things which you find adorable rarely bring you joy

And even when many things that made you :), few things make you :')

Because things can make you happy, but few can touch your heart.

Thank you if you have made me smile today,

its probably much more than I have ever done for you.

blog to work, work to blog.

Maybe its musing about the Katy Perry nail polish collection that has me thinking about this song:

If stars don't align, if you don't see the signs,

Wait for it.

One hundred percent, with every penny spent,

He'll be the one who finishes your sentences.

It's not like the movies, that's how it should be,

When's he's the one, he'll come undone,

And the world will stop spinning,

And it's just the beginning.

The problem with movies and stories and all that is that they have the power of saying "3 months later" or "ten years later". We invariably don't. Also, there is something so unspeakably powerful to being able to say "The story ends here and these are the lessons learnt." The reality is that in life, there is no "fast-forward" and there is no "pause" buttons. You cannot linger a little longer in the good stuff to remember how to feel, nor in the bad stuff to learn your lesson. Life trudges on and because the story never ends, the lessons never end too.

Oh well, time to go post happy stuff on my other blog.

~

After seeing many-a-facebook-post on this, I finally decided to google that annoying song that keeps floating about my sister’s facebook page. Rawr, and I still try to tell myself I don’t miss her.

In any case, the mesh of being in Chicago and listening to that song leads you to strange arguments with yourself. I’ll admit that it is a beautiful song but…

1) If you get pulled into someone else’s gravity, the relationship will lose potential…right?

2) But then again, it is logical that you don’t want to fall further in because gravity will increase proportionally to the square of the distance from the object’s centre.

3) However, you don’t really “fall” into gravity right, fall implies a force that doesn’t change, meaning a constant acceleration. If we really consider this person having the gravity that the song purports, we need to consider the change in force with distance to the person.

4) In addition, you should technically be pulled together with the same force, hence its more of “falling together” not really “falling towards”…unless….

5) IT’S SAYING THAT I’M FAT D: /oversensitive emoness

I'm alright.

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight,

Just a touch and the fire's burning so bright

I don't want to mess this thing up,

I don't want to push too far.

Just a shot in the dark that you just might,

Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life

So baby I'm alright, with just a kiss goodnight.

Ahhh this song seems to be sweeping over everyone like an annoyingly long and cold Chicago rain: It's cleansing but somewhat chilling. Almost as if it washes over you and reminds you of the empty spaces within yourself. Yes, I'm being strangely poetic tonight, but as some may say, it's vaguely warranted today, especially, since it's, you know, it's today!

Mmmph.

School has been delightfully slow-paced in getting started, but I get the nagging feeling it is the calm before a massive storm...hm. Like the last training-level in a game before the zombies start jumping out and outnumbering you 100 to 1. Let us take stock:

Survive O-week - Achievement Unlocked!

Go to a frat-party - Achievement Unlocked! (But never to be repeated)

Walk downtown Chicago 4 times in 1 day - Achievement Unlocked!

Buy 11 pairs of new socks - Achievement Unlocked!

Visit a Chicago home - Achievement Unlocked!

Reheat pizza in my oven - Achievement Unlocked! (Extra points for not burning down the building in the process :D )

Decide that Uchicago is definitely where I belong - Achievement Unlocked!

Calculating if more of uchicago walls are visibly stone or ivy - In progress.

Freshmen 15 - Definitely in progress.

Managing finances and getting all the bank stuff in order - In progress (I'm not an Econ major, give me a break.)

Preparing for a school year - In progress (hey, I read "V for Vendetta" to remind myself how to read!)

Surviving classes - Just starting

Getting a social life - Can I do this tomorrow?

Not joining another bridge club - Failed.

Tacos for the uninitiated!

Hello my blogspot readers (or lack there of). This post, in addition to being my 134th piece of trash to lend on the internet via blogspot, is also the DAWN OF A NEW ERA (of trash). This post has also been posted on etremanque.tumblr.com, a completely NEW BLOG to take over some of my trashiness. Its a joint blog between my sister and I for when I'm overseas and we lack each other's randomness to keep us alive hurhurhur. So, my non-existent readers, I suggest you start reading that one too. I'll continue to fill this blog with my personal trash but that one will be getting a fair share of it too (I mean, with my sister's help, of course ^^).

Anyway I’ve been in Chicago for quite a few days now and its pure awesome. Yesterday, the international students went down to Michigan Avenue, Navy Pier and all that cool jazz. But, as I always say, outings are more about the people than about the place so yesterday’s highlight must be eating Tacos at Chipotle.

Let me begin by introducing the people at the table. There was Jason (aka Zhansheng), Tyler (aka Tianyu), Emma (aka Kejia) and Ruth (aka The Awesome). Apart from me trying very hard to calling them by their oh-so-cool english names, much hilarity ensued in the taco-eating department.

Calamity 1: Without much experience in the taco-eating business, we all took advice from Jason about what to order. Emma was very enthused by the idea of getting a bowl. A “bowl”, so it turns out, refers to a bowl of rice and not its ceramic container. Meanwhile, it was possible to order rice as a topping on the bowl of rice. I figure Emma was as confused as I was and eventually settled for a Taco. Which Jason assured us was the “easiest to eat”. This brings us to…

Calamity 2: THEY AREN’T EASY TO EAT. I had one with cheese, sourcream and guacamole which SHOULD hold together

…but my hands were covered in goo afterwards anyway. Emma said that she’d rather have sat next to me so that she would not need to watch the “unglam”-ness from opposite the table.

Calamity 3: Tyler. Tyler is an ultimate fail. He ordered a VEGGIE taco which is made up of cooked bell peppers and spices from what I could tell. So that stuff hardly had the promise of sticking together. In addition, he put rice and beans in it so you can guess how it held together. Long story short, as the corn-y (TEEHEE) material fell apart, it went from being a hard shell taco to a soft shell taco to a burrito to an off-shape salad with sad limpy excuses for cornbread. But hey, he paid for 1 meal and managed to try all the options at chipotle right?

Just before going to the airport...

After a day of talking and wishing and thinking and wondering...I guess there is nothing left but to pray. I'm very rarely so sappy on this blog but

Let this be our prayer, when shadows fill our days...

Lead us to a place, guide us with Your grace,

To a place where we'll be safe.

I will never forget how far my family has come and what a lovely family I come from. And, of course, all the people I have had the pleasure of meeting in my 19 years.

With God, Family and Friends, what can go wrong, right?

"I will start packing tomorrow"

I've been saying that to myself for the past...month. At least. Thank goodness I have a large extended family who take particular joy in fluttering around and helping me to buy things...which makes me need to decide what to buy. It's actually quite funny because I'll procrastinate to the point where I find myself going out to "buy stuff" while not having decided what to buy. The upside of this is that most of the time I can figure it out. The downside of this is that while I'm figuring it out, people pick me out stuff in pink.

Ahwell, I'm sure the colour will grow on me.

It was Mooncake Festival Dinner tonight. I know I rarely blog about specific events and recount stuff but, knowing its the last time I'll eat my mom's homecooked vegetables, my grandma's crabs (which she killed herself then spent 2 hours cleaning :O) and my auntie's duck for a long time makes me kinda sad. I guess its a bit like this song:

And if that joy, that thrill,

Doesn't thrill like you think it will, still,

With this perfect finale, the cheers and

The ballyhoo, who, who,

Couldn't be happier?

No, I, couldn't be happier.

Because happy is what happens

When all your dreams come true.

Isn't it? Happy is what happens,

When your dreams come true.

Go listen to Kristen Chenoweth sing it and you'll truly get the melancholy of it all. Now that I'm finally getting everything I've been working for, its actually not as happy as you think it would be. I have to admit, finally, that I have a family that is epic and loving to the max. As much as I find it uncomfortable, it is touching that they love me to bits. Every. Single. One. And that sort of makes me want to stop moping around and REALLY start getting it all together tomorrow. I haven't loved them enough in my time here and I will make it up by making them bloody proud of me.

...I hope.

:')

My heart is running on empty,

One more day and then we'll go

Still, the time goes on now,

Don't ask me how, I don't know.

We'll be home tomorrow,

About a thousand miles too far away

Say you won't forget and I'll be okay.

At least tonight, its just you and me

And honestly, that's everything I need.

I don't want to fall out,

but we're all out of time.

One day, no way you'll be mine.

(Don't want an ending)

Tonight's a countdown

Till the day we're not around.

And you're gone, and we're

on with our lives.

(Don't want an ending)

Don't want an ending.

The days turn to hours,

It's just a moment before they go.

I'm scared to say goodbye cos'

What's after that, I don't know.

As the years slip past us

If we lose track or lose the fight

I will search forever to

Find a way back, to tonight.

When it's just you and me

And honestly, that's everything I need.

How did these few days just slip past like that? I guess the reality only really struck when I got a surprise 2-minute 20-second long call from Japan. A reality that makes heavy, full tears fall, a reality that makes this 39-hour long stretch of waking time even more sleepless...but nonetheless a reality that makes me smile.

Looking back, I would not have had it any other way; it has been the most epic adventure I have had in a long time. Clinging on can't keep a person beside you, but a commitment to love can keep a person in your heart. I am happy that you are on your way to fulfilling your dreams, and, soon, I hope to do so too.

There is no greater joy in knowing that we can fly free without needing to fly solo.

...time to keep telling myself that.

till it hurts.

If I've said it once, I've said it a million times: God has a great sense of humour.

The more I try to let go of it all and move on from this epic portion of life to the next epic portion of life, the more it clings on to me and reminds me how much love exists where I thought none did. And since God is love, His sudden reemergence in my life is most sudden and, needless to say, most epic. It's almost...seemingly untimely.

My heart hasn't hurt for a long time and if I can't stop it from hurting, I'm going to stop it from breaking. Leaving family and friends behind is proving much harder than I thought it would. As is leaving certain specific friends to fly off to their other parts of the world to study. But this promise I'll make to myself: airports are not for crying.

Anyway, people tell me God knows best and...all this emotion...I guess better late than never?

Over again, don't let me change my mind

The old songs, the old feelings, the old feeling of obligation landing gently on your shoulders.

Sandra would say "AWW I melted <3" and Yanling would say "WOHOOO" (pronounced woh-ho) but, since the person involved is me, the only indication of all the emotion within shall remain a small smile and a raised eyebrow.

Lollipops are sweet, gifts are sweet, but, the sweetest thing of all is approval. Yes, it is so lovely to finally approval both of and from love :D

Religious thoughts (you have been warned)

Attending the Renewal in the Spirit Seminar after three years of nagging by Aunty June was interesting, to say the least. I went there expecting something like the experiences I had during retreats in Catechism Class..but I guess its always different being a spectator and a participant.

Faith is a gift which we should not squander. I guess that is why the story of the prodigal son touches me so deeply. It is only after squandering a rich gift that we realise we cannot regain our original position in life by our own power. Much as I'd love to be able to rest in the Spirit and pray for others like I did in CC3 and CC4, after your prayer-life has lost so much speed you are none other than the prodigal son who is only fit to come back as a servant.

But I do have faith in one thing: that God will be back for every single one of us. No one will be left behind. One day, when I whip up enough courage to move my butt over to the confessional and ask for forgiveness, I'm sure He will welcome me with open arms.

Look back on the carnage.

Hanfei says that there will be an EXCO meeting for the GotBridge people this weekend. While thinking through the things I want to bring up I inadvertently had to look back on these years I spent playing this game.

If you ironically consider it as a "game", I think I've lost this one. I'm not that much better at playing the game as when I started. I don't have a single medal or anything to speak of. I run a club with flailing membership and a website with bad grammar. And I'd love to blame the game for causing so much emotional crap on the sidelines in my time playing it.

I used to tell myself it was worth it because of all the friends I have there but now that they're all in army and busy "growing up", I have to admit that, at the very least, they were a very odd group of friends. If we take the words "odd", "group" and "friends" all very loosely.

I guess I have to thank all the people who were there on my calamitous journey through flawed bidding sheets, failed partnerships, random saigang positions and miscounted suits. So yeah, if you're reading this, all of you did and will have the same haunting effect on my life as an outstanding trump that you did not draw on a contract that you are running out of control of...and you have my thanks from the bottom of my heart (or Spade, or whatever the trump suit is xD).

I need help believing, you're with me tonight.

Maybe I'm brainless, maybe I'm wise,

You've got me seeing, through different eyes,

Somehow I've fallen under your spell

And somehow I'm feeling, its "up" that I fell.

I guess if I had gone to OBS with the DSTA scholars, I'd know that part of knowingly "falling" is "trusting" that someone will be there to catch you. I know a large part of me is constantly wound up in a -.^ skepticism about the world, but, barring jokes about my "suboptimal mass" a small part of me is falling deeper and and trusting deeper...in you.

To love freely. To feel the world without inhibitions. To let emotions run.

Maybe it really is that easy.

The small part of me falls for you, bringing with it the large scary countenance which I deal with the world with. And all of a sudden, all the walls that I built up around myself seem to come crashing down too.

Damn you, MengShuen.

And the feelings all catch up with you.

I always knew my emotions were a beat (or a few days) slow when things happen. I came up after dinner and sat down at my table and something snapped inside me. Like some floodgate to being generally-happy finally creaked open. Not the happiness that makes you laugh, nor the happiness that makes you jump about...but the happiness that makes you smile blankly into your computer screen and open a browser to blogger.com.

Maybe it was waking up at a semi-decent time and talking to my mother about politics over chocolate croissants. Maybe it was meeting up with random friends to talk about how guys are the most screwed up creatures the world has ever seen. Maybe it was coming home to a family dinner and feeling safe talking to people whom know you too well to bother judging you. Maybe it was playing spider solitaire on my phone while drinking ribena and eating chicken pies.

Or maybe it was something in between all that.

Maybe it was the feeling that things are starting to go right again.

...or maybe its a manifestation of my love for ribena and chicken pies.

Because happy is what happens?

my life has been such a whirlwind since I saw you.

you've been running round in circles in my mind.

And it always seems like I'm following you.

'cos you take me to places that alone I'd never find.

What is this, a crash course in "learning-to-love-people-around-you?" It's been such a long time since I even cared remotely about someone else. A few months was all I needed to lose my faith, my love for my family and my care for my friends...and it looks like it'll be a while till I learn everything again. However, in view of recent events, yes, I will try my best. And I guess, thank a certain someone for the last few months and kicking me into shape to reflect on my life...and for that, yes, I promise this strange person I'll try as hard as I can to make this thing work. And, with luck and blessings, last.

Though, if there's anyone to thank for saving enough scraps of my faith/love/care for God and for others it has to be you, my dearest sister. I will say it for real now, no matter what happens I will always be there for you and keep you in my prayers. It's almost like, for the last few months, I'm a person scraping together the minimum amount to retain membership as a Catholic, as a member of the family and as a semi-decent friend. I did often think of giving each one of them up, but I can't. I need faith to know that someone will watch over you when I'm overseas studying. I need respect for my parents because it's the minimal gratitude I should show for giving you to me. And I need to care for my friends because they don't have someone like you to make their lives as awesome as mine has been.

But I promise, this will change. There will be awesome stuff to write about us and our family. Because I love you.

Wafflewaffle.

Somewhere between helping my dad solve a math problem and watching all the drama surrounding TSD (pun SO unintended) has me appreciating oddly elegant things in life.

I have almost forgotten how elegant a pure science like math is. The way numbers come together in a totally empirical way to demonstrate truths about life is almost spellbounding (/cue DSTAnerds agreement). In the same way, theatre is equally beautiful when it captures so much about what it means to be human in a single spectacle on stage.

Its like that feeling when you walk through a museum, marvelling at the exhibits. I know I'm not nearly as brilliant as the mathematicians and theatre practictioners out there are who create such beauty...and I probably never ever will be in a million years. In fact, something will be seriously wrong with the world if it elevates me to that status. However, I will pay my entrance fee by studying them both as much as I can, just to be able to appreciate and touch the magic.

But then again, most of life is spent between these poles...on much more waffly things. Things like watching through entire series of Bones. Things like painting nails. Things like cleaning the inside of second-floor windows to realise all the dirt is on the other side. Things like wondering what makes people look good and what makes one look terrible. Things like other people. Things like myself.

WaffleBlaffleClaffle. Such is life when the high of window cleaner is wearing off.

So many times one thinks about blogging about epic stuff, only to realise it is not right to be posting such stuff in public domains. I guess this is my feeble attempt to explain why this blog went dead for so long: because I can't post about scholarships.

Though, I guess all is good now and I am happy (enough) with my scholarship...so I am free to post about it as I please :D

Yes, I am a nerd with no social-life, yes, I am probably not going to fit in too well at work and yes, this is a career path I'm pretty sure I was not anticipating as I left JC. But hey, its a scholarship, I'm with (some semblance of) good friends, I think I'll be alright at doing the work they do and my parents will be happy.

...and when all else fails, I can ignore my position and laugh at the rest being no-lifing nerds xD

I'll be home tomorrow, about a thousand miles too far away.

It's always sad the day before a holiday ends. I guess I can handle the thoughts about returning to hectic Singapore, finding a job, trying to busy myself with various activities and all, I mean, like my sister would say, I don't have school to go back to right? But, this holiday just seemed so different than all the others I have had. At some points, it seems that it has dragged too long: everyone's tolerance for each other is starting to wear thin and undone things at home are starting to pile up. Yet, at other points, it feels like somethings were not done.

Though, I guess its just a little mushy feeling that catches up with me late at night...afterall, I had lots of fun and bonding time with my family. People finally know where Uchicago is (no kidding, its NOT in California?!?!?!), we actually have time to talk and cuddle...and I am back to sharing a bed (and many scuffles) with my sister. yay.

Something is just a little scary about going back for this last leg before I finally leave for college. Am I in the right place with respect to God? Or my family? Or myself? Or will somethings resist resolution? Or will these random collections of emotion start things I cannot solve in time?

Ahhh well I guess we all do overthink things sometimes.

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? ... Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

hmmmm...

I was blogsurfing today and realised that I my blog is really crappy. really really crappy. I'm just ranting instead of providing insight and poetry and sweet thoughts to my readers. 

No wonder I have no readers. 

Ah well, the US is awesome. To anyone who said that Oakland is a dangerous part of town, you're wrong. Ok no, you are right but narrow-minded. True, I have seen 2 "missing person" posters since I arrived a week ago, the fire truck blares its sirens as it passes my place at least once a day and the city is very clearly marked with its "good spots" and "bad spots", but its still one damn nice place. 

I'm not just talking about the view here, (though lake merritt IS the most awesome things to wake up to in the morning) I'm saying that there is a completely different way people live. It's not just the pace of life, nor just the completeness, nor just the flow of it. It is like people here dance to a different melody as in Singapore. 

It is the way every car in a line of 5 will wave at us and let us cut in when we are in the wrong lane. It is the way conversation is about people and not things. It is the way there is pride to living even without money. It is the way life is about making others look at that single cause of yours and not making the way others look at you the single rule of life. It is the way people smile like their world is complete when you smile instead of furrowing their brows in jealousy or puzzlement. Its the way people live big and dream small. 

Now I just need my sister to be here and life will be complete. In the meanwhile I bought her a bottle with this design  :D

boopdeboopdeboop. Off to New York tomorrow! yay :D 

Defying Gravity

So if you can't find me, look to the western sky

Has someone told me lately,

Everyone deserves a chance to fly

And if I'm flying solo, at least I'm flying free,

To those who ground me,

Take a message back from me:

Tell them how I am defying gravity

I'm flying high defying gravity

And soon I'll match them in renown.

And nobody, in all of Oz,

No wizard that there is or was,

Is ever gonna bring me down.

If you have not heard Idina Menzel sing this song, you are really missing out. The power in her voice is unbelievable and I can listen to that track on loop because it is just so amazingly good. Each time she reminds me that we are all free to reach for the sky I can feel a part of me being unlocked. A...hopeful part of me which still wishes that life will be brilliant and dreams will turn to reality.

I hope that part exists in all of you too. It's like that soft-toy animal you have on your bed, probably having outlived its usefulness but still...good to know it is there and not lost.

An attempt at a happy and sweet post

Damn all these important decisions that have to be made. I can't even be left to decide whether I am allowed to go out at night. How can I be left to decide where to go and what to do for the next ten years?

I'm reading around people's blogs and Facebook posts, not to mention chatting with lots of people and I guess everyone is equally worried with the "what now?" question. At least for the girls la. For the guys its more of "what's in two years?"

Alright, I do not know how much comfort a girl who cannot be left to decide the colours of her hangers without fully justifying it can offer but I thought I'd make this post happyish to encourage all of you out there who chance on my blog and need to make tough decisions. My mother showed me this quote when I was in p6:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.

I know not all of us out there believe in God but my prayer for all of us is one and the same. I know my DSTA form is due in less than 15 hours and I have not yet decided whether to submit it, but I do know that whichever path I take, I am headed for a fun time so long as I do not lose myself. I do not know what each of you are going through, my dearest friends, but I do hope that you will be happy, content and stay the amazing people I know you guys are.

Perhaps we all feel like we are constantly trying to clean the lens of a scope to see through it at our future, only to realise the inner tube has dust in it. Scholarships, university, internships, careers...it's all a big mess for us all. However, keep the faith that, once in a while, enough of that dust in the tube will settle enough to help us see how far we each have come.

Good luck to all on their important decisions :D

You know you've gone mad when you blog about Taylor Swift

I used to think one day we'd tell the story of us

How we met and sparks flew instantly.

And people would say, "they're the lucky ones".

I used to think my place, was a spot next to you.

Now I'm searching the room for an empty space,

Cos lately I don't even know what page you're on.

It's so funny how time passes and memories stay on, whether you intend to hold onto them or not. Sometimes, to avoid having them fade, you colour them in vivid technicolour, or any shade brighter than the general dreary colours of life.

A simple complication, miscommunication, leads to fall outs,

So many things that I wish you knew,

So many walls up that I can't break through.

And now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking.

And I'm dying to know is it killing you like its killing me

I don't know what to say, since a twist of fate,

When it all broke down, and the story of us

Looks a lot like a tragedy now.

I've been watching too much of "The Nanny" to get me through otherwise monotonous days. I think I can rewatch Niles&CC scenes on loop more than 5 times at a go and laugh equally hard each time. Daniel Davis and Lauren Lane are so talented (maybe that's because they are from the theatre and not TV~). I cannot believe they can play the characters so over-the-top and hilariously but yet make one contemplate their patheticness so deeply. I guess watching through the whole series makes you realise (most absurdistly) that it is ok to be absolutely pathetic, so long as other people will be pathetic together with you. I feel a bit like CC now, generally hopeless in the interpersonal department...but it's ok so long as I don't pass up on Niles when he shows up. I just hope that I haven't already done that.

This is looking like a contest

Of who can act like they care less

But I liked it better when you were on my side

The battle's in your hands now

And I would lay my armour down

If you say you'd rather love than fight...

now looking back, I must try to rewind.

Thoughts about the future are often plagued with scars from the past. It's becoming more real now than it has ever been before.

Every time I try to fly, I fall.

Without your wings I feel so small.

I guess I need you baby.

And every time I see you in my dreams

I see your face, it's haunting me.

I guess I need you baby.

Cheesy lyrics are strangely applicable. To people and to events.

People think that I always have some funny or sarcastic or witty comment whatever the situation. Even when I am emo, people expect my emoness to resolve itself quickly. I guess most of the time I live up to expectations and resolve stuff, or run away from stuff and I wake up the next day the funny eccentric me again.

Why is it so shocking that I can be upset? Why can't I be disappointed about things and sulk at all? Why does everyone think that just because I never cried in front of them before, means that I don't cry at all?

I'm sorry that I have failed my wonderful upbringing and near-perfect genes. I'm sorry that I am nowhere close to fulfilling my job as the eldest grandchild, daughter and sister. I'm sorry I disappoint.

I give up thinking about the future already. I give up trying to believe and hope. For now at least.

and you're gone and we're on with our lives.

For lack of better alternatives, I have turned to song lyrics to title my posts. Though I do maintain that anything is better than "untitled" when it comes to scanning through other blogposts on the blogger dashboard.

In any case, my mom has uncovered the number 1 way to get my out of the bed and to help round the house: pay me. So for this week, I will work 7-8 hours a day for $250 dollars a week(: just slightly less than my last job. I celebrate (even though I can feel my sister "tut-tut"ing at me already).

So, since I am supposedly "at work" now, I shall make my post relevant to work. I present: Ruth's Five Household Problems. Anyone with a solution to any one of the following problems please help me out!

1) How do I get my sister to stop throwing things everywhere in my room?

2) How do you iron working pants so that they look nice?

3) What is the most effective way of washing a VERYVERY dirty floor without permanently ruining your cleaning equipment?

4) How much rubbish is the garbage man usually willing to take if it overflows the bin outside the house?

5) Is it generally better looking to have dark-coloured or light-coloured furniture? If I want to buy furniture for my bedroom such that the bedroom is very easy to clean, how should I go about it?

Yes, these are questions which annoy me greatly. Anyone can give some insight?

I have a new theory today: when you feel that you miss something, sometime or somebody, you actually just have a hole in your heart. A hole where love used to be.

It's like there is a hole which is draining all the love that is in your heart. We devote all our own capacity for love into trying to find back that something, sometime or somebody that used to fill that hole.

But its hopeless; holes never fill themselves back. All we can do is to plug it with something else and prevent it from continuing to drain us emotionally.

I need to stop missing and start loving again.

NOUUUUUUU I CANNOT LIVE WITH ANOTHER WEEK OF DOING NOTHING. CANNOT. AHHHHHHH. WHY DSO? WHY START NEXT WEEK? WHYYYYYYY?

Backk

I just remembered that now that I am no longer a teacher, I am free to allow anybody to read my blog without fear that students will gossip behind my back about me. Ok fine they still can but I'm not in school to get owned by it.

Time to clear 3 months of stuff that I wanted to say. Some to people, some to groups, some left anonymous but all genuine. (Yes, I am going to assume that I actually have readers)

1) To my students, thanks for being awesome and putting up with me. I am not the best teacher, I know, but you guys are the best students I have ever seen. Honest. I mean, I think I told you all how much worse I was as a student right...xD

2) To my Guides, I don't show it at all, but I really love you guys. I'm really sad to leave you all because I know that once I go, I'll never come back to visit you all again. In a few years, no one will know that you even had a YA. But its alright. I'm ok with being forgotten because the unit does not owe me anything. In fact, I owe you all a lot more than I gave for all the lessons and fun I had at IJ.

3) To Yanling and Sandy, thanks for being awesome friends. Its been a long time since I met nice and genuine people like you guys.

4) To you. Its been a while since all that epicness and I guess you ARE more mature now. Well done, never thought I'd see the day.

5) To the-person-I-have-always-loved-but-doesn't-read-this-blog. Tough times will be over soon. Don't worry, God will take care of you. He loves you and so do I. I always cry when I read your blog/work/stuff because I know that one day you will be so awesome, and I will be proud just to have witnessed a small part of that awesome.
(now lets see how many people will misinterpret this one)

6) To Sanu, Ting and all my epic friends whom I have known for-like-ever. Thanks for continuing to be there, you remind me that as things move on, you CAN cling on to some things.

7) And you, please wake up and stop moping.

8) And finally, you. I hate what you have become and I hate that I miss you. I hate that it bothers me every day and I hate that you don't care anymore. Yes, it hurts like hell, but not for the reason that everyone else will think. You know why.

Well, for those of you who are confused because I am swinging between being emo and being ridiculously hallmarkishly hopeful, let me qualify: these are bottled up things from the last few months. Not all are applicable now and I don't really feel any of them presently (mostly because I realise I should be outside ironing clothes for tomorrow). They were all things that I told myself I must write on my blog at some point.

Damn these rants.

changing gmail account makes it really hard to post.

anyway, there isn't much point posting because I know for a fact viewership is down to only 1 person. Because I locked the blog and only 1 person asked to be allowed it.

Hi nick.

The days of being "Miss Ng" is real fun. I will really miss IJ when I leave the school ); I guess my one regret of school-life is not having been in a catholic school before. Yeah, some people say its screwed up too but tallying the screwed-up quotient of those inside and outside the mission schools, I think the mission schools win. I should have gone to a catholic school when I had the chance.

Though, I guess it's still good that I get to teach in one now. Between my insane Sec 1s, Baey Yan Ling's stupidity, Ms Champion's epicness and all that jazz, I really wish that I never need to leave. Oh yes, and the fact that I teach a total of 1 class now, 5 blocks a week. So I get paid 65 a day for 1h40mins of lesson each week. (y)

(y)

Ruth Francis Ng I wonder if I ever crossed your mind

5:14

how have you been

MSN

nicholas we two alone will sing like birds in the cage

5:15

meh?

MSN

Ruth Francis Ng I wonder if I ever crossed your mind

5:15

meh?

MSN

nicholas we two alone will sing like birds in the cage

5:15

meh.

MSN

Ruth Francis Ng I wonder if I ever crossed your mind

5:15

me-eh.

MSN

nicholas we two alone will sing like birds in the cage

5:15

meeeeeeh

MSN

Ruth Francis Ng I wonder if I ever crossed your mind

5:16

mmmmmmmmmmmmehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

MSN

nicholas we two alone will sing like birds in the cage

5:16

meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh

MSN

Ruth Francis Ng I wonder if I ever crossed your mind

5:16

meeeeeEEEEeeeeeEEEEeeeeeEEEEEEeeeeeh

MSN

nicholas we two alone will sing like birds in the cage

5:16

meeeeeeeeehmeeeeeeeeehmeeeeeeeeh

MSN

Ruth Francis Ng I wonder if I ever crossed your mind

5:16

m3333333333333333333h

MSN

nicholas we two alone will sing like birds in the cage

5:18

meeeee33333eeeeee33333eeeeeeh

MSN

Ruth Francis Ng I wonder if I ever crossed your mind

5:18

meh.

MSN

nicholas we two alone will sing like birds in the cage

5:18

meh?

MSN

Ruth Francis Ng I wonder if I ever crossed your mind

5:18

MEH!

MSN

nicholas we two alone will sing like birds in the cage

5:19

MEHHHHHHHH!!!11!!!

MSN

Ruth Francis Ng I wonder if I ever crossed your mind

5:19

mmmmmmmMMMMMMMEHH!

MSN

nicholas we two alone will sing like birds in the cage

5:19

mweh.

MSN

Ruth Francis Ng I wonder if I ever crossed your mind

5:20

mwe-yeah

MSN

nicholas we two alone will sing like birds in the cage

5:20

mwaehhhhh

MSN

Ruth Francis Ng I wonder if I ever crossed your mind

5:20

mwearh

MSN

nicholas we two alone will sing like birds in the cage

5:23

mwwwehhhhh

MSN

Ruth Francis Ng I wonder if I ever crossed your mind

5:23

ah, i see your day has been nice.