The great personal god quaquaquaqua

Outside time without extension who from the heights of the divine apathia, divine athambia, divine aphasia, loves us dearly but with some exceptions for reasons unknown.

Holycrap

Just when I thought I had long lost my ability to cry genuinely, I find tears rolling down my cheeks. No, kimi did not ask me to marry him, I just happened to browse my sisters blog. I will hope with all my heart she looks down on my mindless drabble of a blog and not read this though.

She reminds me of everything I was at 15. And even more. Innocent, loving, sweet and a perpetual dreamer. I guess all that remains is the dreamer, dreaming one day I'll pull myself out of this mess.

My religious life, family life and future plans are all over the shop and it makes one wonder whether there is a time you should stop dancing through life being blindly ecstatic and optimistic and accept the truth that you fail. In more ways than one.

I'm not emo and angsty often but I guess 130am in a clubmed bed, dressed in tomorrows outfit so I won't need to pack again, looking at my sister sleep and typing on my iPad is one of those times. If only I had not dabbled in so much random crap these two years and clung on tighter to those close to me. If only I were not gaining weight like free. If only I could feel God imminent coming this Christmas. If only I had done my job as a sister, daughter and family member. Then maybe I wouldn't be here, in this muckheap.

If the nature of the world is entrophic, then I guess the mess always can beat the person trying to tidy it. Ignoring how sisyphian this is, I realize this is the first time I haven't picked up the pieces. I thought spending s holiday away would help but I guess after so long, it's hard to remember where you put the pieces, or how to operate the glue-gun.

Makes me wonder if I even want to fix things, or care to fix them.

HELL YEAH.

I know most of you have finished your A levels (you irritating idiots) but for all the teasing I do about all of you needing to slog through econs just to finish 4 days before awesome tsd-student like me, I will accept 4 days of wait.

Anyhow, this is the 100th post on this blog (zomg) and so I will continue entertaining my imaginary readership with snippets of retardedness:

Dad: We need to get new family iPhone covers.
Everyone: Ok.
(goes to shop)
Ruth: Hey, this design is nice. And it comes in 4 colours! ^^
Everyone else: Ooh yes.
Dad: (to the guy) I'll take those 4...
Ruth: =basks in glory of selection=
(a few seconds and fast hands)
Ruth: ...why am I stuck with pink?!
Everyone else: lalalalala~

Mr Lyon: Ok guys so if we are talking about grief we want to talk about the expression, the dialogue, the elephants...
Everyone: ?!
Mr Lyon: Did I just say "elephants"?
Everyone: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....yes.
Mr Lyon: I don't even know what I meant but I don't think it was elephants.

Ruth: what did you write for your gp essay?
Nick: the one about the government and aid.
Ruth: what did you write?
Nick: erm, last time it was "ohai thar I give you noms and money. ohlook i no haz anymoar noms, kthxbai." then now its "ohai thar I is teaches you to make noms and money?" and the government is like "ohai thar I can haz money? oh no moar money I iz sad."
Ruth: ...you're gonna do well.

“Somewhere there is someone that dreams of your smile, and finds in your presence that life is worthwhile, so when you are lonely remember it’s true, someone somewhere is thinking of you.”

You know what, its fine.

God said that love is patient, kind and whatnot, but that's just God's love. Human love is usually tainted, hurtful and biased. 


I guess I just don't love in the same way as you. It's bloody painful the way the two of us come together, yet still not painful enough for me to just shout "LEAVE ME ALONE". 


Maybe it would be more painful if I left. Maybe its painful because I still love you. 


Yes, yes you're some angel and I'm some devil's spawn. You happy now? 

This blog is dying.

Yep, definitely dying. I can feel it whimpering at me asking me to hasten its death. But then again, what better time than 5 DAYS TO A LEVELS to pathetically begin blogging again. I doubt any of my readers (if you even exist) want to hear me rant about my A level prep. After all, a trawling trip around the interwebs should be a break from studying yesyes? But if you enjoy the feelings of schadenfreude, I have barely started on physics and haven't started on math. Also, GP does not exist.

So, in other news, everyone is asking me about that silly halloween costume. I find it vaguely hilarious that everyone in school works the word "zombie" into their first three lines of addressing me. So, Zombie FAQ:

1) What event was that?
Some skating thing where we were all halloweening our lives away. No comments about how A levels are soon.

2) What were you?
No bloody idea myself (pun not intended) but I was NOT a zombie. I'm closer to some vampire/schoolgirl dunnowhat.

3) Where did you buy the stockings?
313. nice right :D:D

4) Why is there such a hoohah over all this?
You ask me, I ask you. I also sick of answering questions in school.

Another day at the park

Today I went by the park again. I looked into the maze of tin sheets and construction and I realised how much I missed the old Bishan Park. When I look at all the construction going on inside to "bring the river into the park", I always notice how all the plants are being uprooted and concrete is being poured in. Or the soil is being overturned to put plastic pipes in. Of course, new, lush greenery will soon be planted atop it but I can't shake the feeling that Bishan Park is now like this big ulcer with everything lovely and soft being dug out to reveal this gaping hole which is both ugly and screaming in pain.

Or maybe that's just cos I have a gigantic ulcer in my mouth.

yesterday the most amazing thing happened.

this dude who was RUNNING could overtake me when I was SKATING. what is this? im going at like 15-17km/hr.

prelimsssss

hurrah, prelims are nearly over. finally. Though SATs A levels and uniapps lie in the future. bloody hell I don't even wanna think about it. I'm wondering if I should review the prelim experience here but that seems boring and almost like I'm trying to relive the torture. 

Time for random comments about everything I learnt these few weeks. I mean, afterall, not like anything important has been happening recently. Right? Right?

1) Ironing on your bed is easier than ironing on a curved ironing board. Who's bright idea was it to invent an ironing board that is curved then con my mother into buying it. I guess there is the advantage that it allows gravity to pull the clothes down to straighten it as you iron but its impossible to iron pleats as a result because the pleats unruffle as you try to iron them straight. (I know unruffle is not a word but it does describe the clothes best. if you don't understand, you should try ironing uniforms for a day)

2) Raywilliamjohnson and Rhettandlink are valid reasons to sleep at 2am.

3) My chair that I sit on broke. That of course, has nothing to do with the number of mooncakes I'm eating.

4) ROBOT UNICORN ATTACK. is the dumbest and funnest game evar. But I do think that out of courtesy to those of us who use it as our single relief from muggery and stress that other people should stop causing my game to hang and my unicorn to go crashing into a star. but yes, ALWAYS I WANNA BE WITH YOU AND MAKE BELIEVE WITH YOU AND LIVE IN HARMONYHARMONY OH LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

by Ruth (an extension of a facebook status people have been asking me about)

Optimism by Ruth: "I think my skirt shrunk."

Scientific Method by Ruth: "Did the skirt shrink around me, or did the atmospheric pressure increase?"

Pirates by Ruth: "What shall we do with a shrunken sailor? - put her in a skirt."

Delusion by Ruth: "All skirts are meant to shrink."

Martin Luther King by Ruth: "Judge me not by the shrunkeness of my skirt, but on the content of my character!"

Stoicism by Ruth: "No, this skirt is not too tight."

Schadenfreude by Ruth: "Well, at least is an S size skirt."

Interneting by Ruth: "A shrunken skirt. I haz it."

The End of the World by Ruth: "I'm going on a diet."

I give up on cboxes

haha the damn thing never did me any good anyway.

Grah, I realise that whoever I meet in school nowadays all feel a sense of impending doom. Everyone tells me they are "screwed for math" or "dead for chem" or "gonna die for econs", and, well, I guess, understandably so. (ok, except the econs one, that one you econs students bring on yourself)

Yeah, well, I guess the idea that we need to mug everything for this test kinda throws the whole thing off balance and we gg when we realise that there are too many exams coming too soon with too much to study for. I guess we are all worried that we are the only one dying and everyone else is gonna do well and leave you in the dust.

awww.

But its not that bad right? I guess everyone will make it through in one piece and so what if we don't know the conditions for dehydrohalogenation? Or the reason we should not use continuity correction with the Central Limit Theorem? Or the effect of market failure on the Aggregate Supply of a country? Not like your entire prelim depends on that scrap that you don't know right?

Well, I guess thats how everyone feels right now so I'd tell all my readers to "chin up" and that "everything will be fine" but I don't have any readers so. hmm. I guess I'm just telling myself that I'll be fine.

Why, thanks Ruth, I knew you'd always be there for me.

What the hell.

No, I do not like the fact that a water feature sprung up in my house. Bloody hell why did no one care when I objected to it. Come on, I can't swim, what is the point of a big puddle of water in the middle of my freaking garden? Oh right, because it makes the family look so much cooler if the neighbours can look in and see the high fountain that is visible over the fence right? Because we can spend our Sunday afternoons splashing about and feeling good about what we have? Because we can all invite our friends over and position tables round the chlorinated stench? Because we can boast that the family managed to stay sane through all that noise and your children can study for exams with the sound of drilling, craning and now, water which converts gravitational potential energy to freaking noise energy?


Bloody hell, grow up already. 

madproductivity?

omg I witnessed the most interesting thing ever today: Yiting meets Jingxian.

I actually felt like the sane one in the middle of madness.

Bloody hell. Yiting+Jingxian+Ruth=ggproductivity

oh, sod it all.

I'm going to study.

hmmmm

crud. prelims loom and my mind has flown off to outerspace. I think I found something with negative gravity: its my brain, the more gravity exerts a force on it, it flies toward infinity. However that works. I bet some boy will tell me imma girl and my physics fails.

I wonder, do we have dreams simply because they can never come true? do we glorify people who believe in their dreams because the rest of us don't dare to do the same? is the only way to survive in our world to give up on our dreams and live pragmatically?

this is a bad time to start thinking about your existence ruth. this is a bad time to consider what is going to happen to you. this is a bad time to feel suffocated and confused. this is a bad time to contemplate your future as a stupid girl. bloody hell.

time to go mug ruth. gogo.

Well, no way but up right?

awww this is such a sweet video :D (no comments about my taste in music thanks)

I guess crappy days can and do get better. Failing which, I'll go hug my teddybear and pretend all of you don't exist. hmm.

my dad rocks.

Ruth: "So Dad, which other universities do you think I should apply to?"
Dad: "Well, which ones have you decided on already?"
Ruth: "Er...(insert list here)"
Dad: "WOW HOW DID YOU GET ALL THE SCHOOLS GOOD IN MATH"
Ruth: "Let's see, thats the exact list you gave me a few days ago?"
Dad: "I did?"

SkateSkateSkate your troubles awayyyyyy

Life is like skating, you use 4 times the wheels and have 4 times the fun of cyclists.

Flamingoes.

strange stuff is strange. Just like flamingoes.

beyond epic.

I bet you all are thinking that this post is gonna be about pesta sukan since I just arrived home from a foamy afternoon. How do I know you know this? Because I know my blog's ONLY readership is bridge club people with no lives. oh yeah, and nick.

Well, too bad, this will not be about the rather embarassing day I had at pesta. Which was, to say the least, embarassing. If you are reading this hanfei, I'm sorry again.

BUT on to more interesting things, something interesting fell into my possession today :D:D:D

There are a million ways to camwhore with a big lolly. I love lollies.

LOLWHUT.

ahahahahahahahahaha this is absolutely hilarious.

Today I arrived home to find a big new urban male shopping bag on my table.

My mum: "hey ruth, I got you something for your A levels!"
Ruth: "gee, thanks mu-*looks inside bag* LOLOLWHUT?!"
My mum: "what did you say? ketupat?"
Ruth: "naw...er...thanks mum."

Ok, fine that didn't really happen but I think it would have if she gave it to me face-to-face. You see, its this gigantic pink fluffeh bag. And, sure, a new bag IS nice to have especially since it fits my jellybean file and my lollypops and still leave space for yknow, school stuff. And it is really nicely designs and, dare I say, rather cute. Poor crumpler, he'll feel so neglected.

But it is epic to think that tomorrow I'll go to the library and come out and wander around for 10 minutes looking for my bag.

If you see me doing that, er, point to the pink one. Thanks.

double-digits

Reaching a double-digit number has a sense of finality to it.

I remember when I got to 10 years old, I felt so proud because the next time I would add another digit to my age will be when I reached 100. xD And if you listen to hanfei/jingxian/weite/ais etc.etc. I'm not going to make it past 20 given my current sugar intake.

Then there is the sheer horror of scoring single-digit marks for TSD essays. Yeah, there was a sense of accomplishment when I brought myself slightly closer to passing.

Then there is the problem of candles on a cake. Up till now, I'm wondering why people don't just give me 18 candles on my cake. I mean, don't you think that single tall candle will feel out-of-place and sad?

Why am I rambling about such a random topic -.-. I should stop.

quit while you're ahead

Its funny how things that no one wants always get passed around.

When you have those circles of friends in a bonding activity, then you pass food around, do you ever realise that the chip bag moves slowly but things like the jamtarts from someone's cny celebs moves the fastest. No one wants it, but it moves 3-4 rounds before someone has the sense to put it aside. No one wants to look like the wasteful one who doesn't want it and puts it aside, but then again, each person knows they themselves don't want it. So it continues to pass around at impressive speed while everyone inwardly hopes that there will be some sad person in the circle who is pathetic enough to want it.

Almost the same as life eh, the way that parents recycle presents, the way we try to ditch work onto someone else, the way we push blame to other people. I guess thats why people say you should quit while you are ahead. Because if you are ahead you can outrun the people who are trying to pass things to you. It is the people behind who get all the crap dished out to them and need to bear all of humanity's crap.

Hoho. It's like the whole world knows how to play pass-the-parcel.

Mirror Mirror on the wall

Once there was an old rich man with a cranky miserable attitude. He visited a Rabbi one day to see if the Rabbi might be able to help him discover what was wrong with his life.

After the two men talked together for a while, the Rabbi thought of a good way to illustrate to the rich man the problem with his life. Taking the man by the hand, he led him over to the window. He asked him to look out the window and tell him what he saw. The man stood there a moment before saying "I see some men and women and a few children."

"Fine," said the Rabbi. Once more he led the rich man by the hand across the room to the mirror. "Now look and tell me what you see."

The man frowned and said, "Well, I see myself."

"Interesting," the Rabbi replied. "The window is made of glass and the mirror is also made of glass. But the glass of the mirror has been covered with silver. As soon as you add the silver, you cease to see others and instead see only yourself."

Angst and Rage.

It ain't fair, how all those bloggers out there fill the world with their angst and rage. Why do adoring readers have to read angst and rage? Is there that much catharsis in spewing out the problems you face at the big wide world of the internet that cause us bloggers to disregard our readers' feelings and long term sanity? I doubt so.

Well, then again, if blogs with readership get to angst and rage, I guess blogs like mine with no readership should be dedicated to less angsty and rage-y stuff. Like random crap. Like funny junk. Like fluff.

~FLUFF. WHEE~ TIS FLUFFEH

Well at least thats what Nick's reaction to a sweater was. A sweater. Not even a kitten. A SWEATER.

Oh forget it, my brain cell count has been on a steep decline since I happened to pass through CChess today.

Tastes.

I always wondered what people meant when they said that some things have a taste to them. Like, how on earth is there a "taste" in victory? Or a "taste" of bittersweet longing? I mean, apart from the victory of getting to the 7-11 offer section. Or the bittersweet longing I have for dark chocolate.

But I guess you come to realise that some things do have a taste to them. Like that bland feeling you have when your life has degenerated into a monotony. Or that bitter taste that engulfs your life when you consider things that are too great for your comprehension. (And cause me to break out. wtfreak. I NEVER BREAK OUT.)

Then of course there's that sour taste of having been confused, hurt and betrayed, a caustic taste that makes you search for some artificial sugary sustenance to just take the edge off it. And as you nibble on your metaphorical lollipop, you can curse, sigh and choke back tears.

That sounded strangely emo. Hmm. Nevermind, time to find my lollipops.

lolololol

Fr. Simon Pereira is hilarious.

Fr. Simon: You know, when we were younger, you needed to take this test on bible knowledge in order to get confirmed. I struggled to get 55/100
Congregation: hurhurhurhur
Fr. Simon: Don't laugh! Most of the Catholics I know get 20-25/100!
Congregation: HURHURHURHUR
Fr. Simon: Meanwhile, my protestant friends score 90/100.
Congregation: oops.

I guess it ain't that funny if you aren't Catholic but too bad. My blog, and I think its funny. So there.

Problems.

~Nothing lasts, life goes on, full of surprises, 

We'll be faced with problems, of all shapes and sizes, 

You're going to have to make a few compromises, 

For now. But only for now. ~

I realised, I have been free from TSD for a week. But it seems like it has been eternity. Life seems to just trundle along and a week later, my life has snowballed into a lump of muck. Muck fraught with problems, annoyance and decisions. 

But, heck to all that. Avenue Q says its only for now. And if TSD has taught me one things, its that Avenue Q is often, snarkily, right. 

I am on my last lollypop

See above. I'm not the happiest camper ever.
I AM SO GOING TO CANDY EMPIRE TMR. ROAR.

Thinking.

Today I bought 18 pink heart-shaped lollies. They taste nice. 
YES, I bought them cos they taste nice. No, no one bought it for me. (Just to pre-empt all you idiots out there) 
I gave a bunch to my tsd juniors but I must say they make great company when one is thinking. The lollies. Not the juniors x.x This reminds me of that all-too-famous convo I have with nick sometimes. 


Nick: *says something dumb*
Ruth: y'think?!
Nick:...waitwait...you can THINK?! 
(insert mad running around and whacking each other)


Its a strange activity, thinking. It seems futile to philosophize our lives away because the nature of the world is incomprehensible. Like Vladimir who ponders "Was I sleeping while the others suffered? Am I sleeping now?" No matter how hard we tap our heads (or in Vladimir's case; his hat) we are never going to understand some things. 


Then when you get perplexed about something I find it so ironic that people tell me to "think about something else". But I guess its true, one cannot simply turn off ones brain. Things come back and eat away at you when you are idle. And things hunt you down when you run away from it. Though I run away pretty well nowadays. You gotta be pretty good to make me think. 


Then there is "thinking too much into things". How can one possibly think too much? Or maybe the question is, "who on earth thinks too little?" Well, sometimes I look at people in church who seemed aged beyond their years because they think too much into things to little avail. I think the proper literary term is "over-reaching"? Then you think about those mental patients who are 40ish but have white wrinkle-free skin. My mother used to tell me that these people are the happiest cos they don't need to think about all the hard things in life. shrugs. I don't know, I'd rather not think too much into things honestly. 


If that pwns me, then too bad I guess. 


I've eaten 2 lollies since the start of this. I better stop now. 

TSD Freedom: Day 2

Woohoo! 2 days of freedom feels like heaven. I think about how much fun I got to have today and realise that I've really missed that. Sure, there is fun in  jumping around the TSD room singing pokemon to destress, or hilarity in laughing at nick, or insanity in jumping on the mattress to think of the next idea regarding foam and glue; but that joy is of a trapped soul who is confined within the walls of a black cube, trying to find fun within. Even the momentary freedom in fleeing from the room comes with needing to buy art supplies, needing to do work along the way or simply being haunted by the things that lay unfinished. 

I guess I'm not free yet, but it sure feels liberating to be out in the real world again. I'm not happy to be back to work and needing to face my less-than-satisfactory CT grades. But there's enjoyment in being able to walk down sentosa and chat with friends, or blast down Orchard to meet my family for dinner. 

I think that is called space. Space to enjoy, space to appreciate and most importantly space to think. It amazing how much thinking one can get done. How much you can toss about your brain, like trying to reprocess from bales of straw lumped about into fine stacks of hay that, even if not neat, have been gone through. This is terrible grammar. Thats one side-effect of overindulgence in pensiveness, you are overexposed to this garble running through your brain your linguistic ability degenerates to strings of excessively long words that ramble on and on and on and on. and on. and on. 

And on, And on. 

TSD Freedom: Day 1

I don't know why I am posting now. I guess I'm just lavishing in the fact that this elusive substance known as "free time" is mine to be had again. Time to just sit around and relax, time to laugh with my friends, time to think into what is happening around me, time to resolve things I've left for too long, time to figure out what the hell I'm doing with life and all that crap.

Yeah, there is the kind of thought you do when you are stressed out about work, there is the kind of thought you do when you are under the influence of glue and paint doing your set and there is a kind of thought that only occurs in peace. I'd like to say quiet in addition to that but seeing how there are 5 msn convos or more going off while I do the above, I think I'll just be happy that there is no TSD word documents and spreadsheets in the back.

Strange how much thinking one can get done and how many things one straightens out in times like this. Maybe I should do this more often.

WHAT I LEARNT TODAY:

1) My parents put in a new aircon 1 month ago. I just didn't notice.

2) My house has a pool of water which is supposed to be a jacuzzi in the making. I think it looks like a fishtank but maybe thats just cos its not done.

3) 410 Green takes longer to get to my stop than 410 White

4) Jelly Drink isn't on offer at 7-11 anymore!

5) Xiaonei is annoying. Maybe cos I can't read anything up there.

6) It is possible to fall asleep while the physics teacher is demoing electron diffraction. What dya know.

7) I need more sleep.

8) My house is really getting overtaken by rats.

9) Spain and Netherlands are left in the World Cup.

10) The world is brighter outside the black box.

Now, I better get to TSD lesson, how ironic.

OVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Today I turned on my computer and didn't transfer paint onto the keyboard.
Today I closed the uhu glue cap.
Today I took all the wires and netting out of my bag.
Today I took the nail polish off my nails.

Today I realised I didn't need to memorise scene changes
Today I crashed in the TSD room and actually slept
Today I remembered how to sit in class and stone.
Today I realised I didn't need to eyeball aunties around me anymore.

Today I sat and thought about things other than theatre.
Today I threw my hair back and laughed
Today I saw my house in the sunlight
Today I got enough sleep. Or is going to. At least.

there is a scale to ggxxness.

The 9 days of madness

On the first day of CTs
I thought I was walking to my doom
But I just wrote TSD crap
In an awfully empty room

On the second day of CTs
I thought it wouldn't be that bad
But then I ended up damn pissed at
Not being able to do math

On the third day of CTs
I had given up all hope on all this
Then went and made up
My own formulas in physics

Now I face the fourth day of CTs
And what on earth will I do
I haven't started studying and
I'll just admit that I am screwed

On the weekend after CTs
Guess what, my work is not done!
I have
Teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Essssssssssssssssssssssssssssss Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee A levels!

Four days of CTs meet
Three days of weekend and
Two A level presentations
And one bigbigbig screwed up life.

TSD PEOPLE ARE PANGSEHKIAS

I WILL TYPE THIS ENTIRE POST IN CAPS.

DEAR TSD PEOPLE

WHY THE HELL WAS I THE ONLY PERSON TAKING CTS. WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME EVERYONE ELSE WAS PONNING.

AND IT CAME OUT ON A PAST-YEAR TOPIC TOO.

AND GUESS WHAT, I COULDN'T DO IT.

DAMN YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.

AND YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

AND YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

AND YOUUUUU- ACTUALLY I CAN'T DAMN YOU I STILL NEED TO FINISH A LEVELS.

GRRRRRRL;FGN;fGNkjsngjwRGNRKRLGNRKGnN gmfgkngkwrjgnrsk

I wonder if people come to this blog.

oh well, if you did, you just wasted some part of your life reading at least the title of this post. 


I wonder if people ever get sick of me posting about TSD. Today I took a stroll around school while waiting for a preliminary coat of paint to dry and I felt the air of mugging around me. There was this heavy feeling in the air around the school, like it was this gaseous form that was collectively taken in and breathed out by the whole school population, in panting breaths, anxious to cram knowledge into their brains for CTs. Or maybe it just was rainy. I can't tell, i've spent too long in the blackbox to know when it rains or when CTs are. 


In other news, I think I'm gonna be 1 of 2 people taking TSD CTs, which will be hilariously funny. To all you KI/Art/etc people taking in the same room, you can watch me and zhongren go in, write our names, fall asleep and both be on the deans list. yes, you may be jealous now. But I'm also 1 of 2 people taking all the CTs, which I predict will be fun. I'm thinking BCDSS for this CT, or BCDSU. and thats optimistic. And I need to go from TSD madness, to CTs, back to TSD showcase, which my wonderful TSDmates have agreed to postpone till after my CTs end, IMMEDIATELY AFTER MY CTs END. Like, "gosh im done not knowing anything for chem...OH CRAP WHAT WERE MY LINES I NEED TO GO ON STAGE NOW." 


To think in just 2 weeks, I would have closed the door on this madness, saying bye to hecking about exams and departing from the theatre...and possibly never returning. It makes me a bit sad, but, if you ask me, I wouldn't trade these 2 years in TSD for anything. Give me all the crap again and I would still take it. Maybe it unlocked something in me, maybe it gave me a chance to be myself, or maybe it just gave me a chance to act and pretend to be someone I wasnt. Well, whichever it was, I guess its right to say that when you enter the theatre, you fall in love with it and you never want to leave. Doesn't matter how bad you are at it, you learn things you never knew you never knew. MUCH MORE THAN YOU CAN SAY FOR ECONS.


Anyway, stop ranting start doing TSD ruth. 

Ragemode?

dammit. remind me to avoid going into ragemode. I'm already some annoying dry person so if I rage I think people explode. Ragemode, is not a good mode. 

So yeah, I guess I'm a bit too proud to admit it in real life but all the people who got ragemoded by me in the last week or so (no one in particular that is, cos there were too many) I am very sorry. I would go on for a paragraph about how I'm superstress and screwed but no excuse for ragemoding and bitching around. So yes, I will stop here, I'm sorry. 

what if it's lost behind, words we could never find?

GROAR.


This has got to be my favourite line recently. It sounds like a roar, but yet it sounds like a monster. Which kinda mirrors how TSD has made me into a monster and put me in a state of extreme distress at the same time. GROAR. 


Apart from that, I don't know whether to be jealous or to be laughing at all you people who have to mug for CTs. I mean, ok, not that I don't but I has legit reason to fail yo. :D:D:D:D I mean, it must be sad to need to cram all that orgchem and puremath. But then again, you try this 


(You stay up 8 nights a week and work in school 8-7 everyday) 
*consult time*
Mr Lyon/ Silei: "Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..."
Ruth: "Hm?"
Mr Lyon/Silei: (stares at set) "NAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
Ruth: "/wrist" 


Yeah, I'll take the orgchem/puremath anytime. 


In other news, I still can't live with the fact that I play CHESTER MATTHIAS TAN's mother. What did I ever do to deserve this D: Comeon, that has to be the worst casting ever, look at how pretty I am, I must have had a one night stand with a martian to get chester tan. -.- And, I am NOT naturally aunty kthxbai. 


Oh well, jakfgkbsgjknJKNDFNSDK;FN;dgndjsgn;sdNFG;KSDNG;Klg. 


Goodluck to all you CT-mugging-peeps. 

Insanity is a state of mind.

One insane week later, I'm doing the typical Ruth thing of looking back and going "wth, that was me?!" TSD followed by Raffles Pairs and Guides Campfire and Youth Pairs and AHHHHH WHAI AM I BACK TO TSD I REFUSE TO DO TSD. 


Argh, the pervasive nature of insanity. Between fighting over a pink hoodie with hw, a green board with clarence and sugar biscuits with my guides, I have concluded that everyone in the world is insane. Everyone except me, plzkthx. 


Other than that, I <3 IJ guides :D I doubt any of them read this page so I don't need to worry that their impression on their cold, fierce YA will change. But, I'm really proud of how far they've come, or even if they didn't move that much, I'm still proud of who they are as a unit. They work hard and even if they don't love it that much, put in a lot of work. They don't care about how much of it is counted in some CCA record and whether that will win them a scholarship, they just know that things must be done, and do it. Whether they do it well or not, its secondary, because just to see the effort is already touching in itself. 


It kinda makes me sad that I'm stepping down because I know they will never want to have anything to do with this crazy scary rg girl who crashed into their unit. I know, I'll never ever get to help them read proposals again, or shout at them again, or to feel so proud of them again. But I guess life moves on and I'm glad I stayed in guiding 2 more years than I needed to. 


Oh well, art friend is opening. Time to go out. 

curses.

Ruth returns. To whine about her favourite topic. TSD.

Ok, kidding la, cyberspace doesn't need more crap in it. TSD is hell but, aiya, its all worth the C at the end. Or maybe the D. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Please don't make it an E.

Sorry I'm writing this post while wondering what I was about to go do...

AHHA TSD SKETCHES! ta~

Damn.

I'll miss you Aunty Julie.

For the record.

people offering acting as their indiv skill: 

I HATE YOU. 

kthxbai.

Bane of my existence.

A
AQJX
x
AJT98xx

Your RHO opens 1c.

You feel like killing yourself.

The resultant carnage was epic. Just epic.

Ode to a hairband.

I got greeted on a parade square last friday by the most interesting salutation. It was not a poke from Zhangyue, it was not "have you done your math tutorial", it was not "waddya know a squirrel!" and it was not the ever so rare "hi". It was "ROFL HER MSN NICK DAMN FUNNY LOLZ". And that was 3 different people btw.

For those of your who get it, well, goody. For those of you who don't idc honestly, cos I didnt think it was that funny anyway. But since I am stuck in school in the morning with my computer, between this and talking to Nick Eng I'd prefer this.

Too bad Nick. So, I present, Ode to A Hairband.
(Credits to Fountains of Wayne)

Working all day for a mean little school
With a mad bunch of homework and a madder bunch of fools.
Its got me running round in circles like a dog around a track.
Oh wait that describes all the bridge guys even when they're not on crack.

School life's kinky but look what its doing to me.
Its going makes me faint when it keeps getting me down
But every time that happens I look in the mirror,
And the blinding light on my head just makes me come around.

Working all day in a sad little class
Picking on my teachers and sleeping through math
Its got me running round in circles like a squirrel on a wheel
I'm sure all the TSD people knows just how that feels.

School life's screwy and look what its doing to me.
It tries to screw me up, tries to wear me down.
But each day before school you look into the mirror
and you say heck I'm a PRINCESS and this hairband is my crown.

How did it come to be?
That TSD must eat,
into my sleeptime every dayeyayeyayey
Why must I spend my time,
screwing up my mind,
Until I start giving inanimate objects a serenade.

School life's is sad, thats why you have a hairband
To pick you up whenever life's a drag.
To comb all your hair back even when life's a mess
And so you can say to people next to you:
"no, thats not a night star your wishing upon, its my hairband!"

~ah well~ time to get to morning assembly. Ta.

HAHAHAHAHA. that is retarded. 


In other news, I just realised how manly Clarence can be. Wow, my partner never ceases to amuse me. Wonder why he suddenly turned so manly huh....;) 

Oh ho, this blog is not dead.

Yeah, I shall return to my life of posting on this thing. I can't think of people who care about what the hell happens to me but heck, enough people have come to bother me to make me think of posting something again. What dya know. 


Eitherway, I'm just waiting for Clarence to respond to my msn message. RAWR. 


~MY GUIDES ARE ENROLLED~ 
I know none of them read my blog because I didn't give them the URL. I think they all think I'm some mugger who lives in a hole in th RJ field, occasionally emerging to terrorize them. Which is very far from the truth. Especially the second half. O;) 


But, I must admit, I'm very proud of them and what they've been able to get. For all of you out there who think that IJ girls are bimbos, they aren't. They are capable...er...bimbos :D I don't gush much on my blog but maybe this time they deserve it. The Guiders think I worked some miracle to get the school to get PNA bronze, and now that the sec 1s are got enrolled, together, for the first time in dunno how many years. But honestly, what I did was just teach them to fill in a form for the former, then give the guides my hp number for the latter. Its funny how we are so close to success sometimes, without knowing it. But yeah, though none of them will read it, its all their work and I'm crazily proud of them, no matter how much they hate me. 


A lot of people ask my why I do guidey things. I guess that partially has to do with the fact that I don't look like a Guide, and partially to do with the fact that I dolled xw up while in uniform with a bunch of guys standing around with nothing better to comment on. Besides xw of course. But there's only that many times you can laugh at a guy with ribbons before he walks away from the whole plan. 


I guess now I can honestly say I do it because I love Guides. And I love what the movement does for girls and all the fun you have in it. I remember coming out of sec 4 I said I'd become a YA because I felt bad that 1000 bucks was spent on me to bring me to the Istana and I wanted to give some of it back. Who'd have known that sentiment would bring me all the way to the little unit of IJ(TP) from which I will be stepping down soon? 


I guess I will actually miss them. What dya know. 

44 posts?

what the hell? I've written 44 posts already? I must be damn angsty/ random/ bored/ emo. And if you are still reading, you must be pretty bored/ random/ angsty/ emo too. Actually 45 now.

I ask myself sometimes, who the hell would read my blog? If I knew a strange retard by the name of Ruth who lives a wacky crazy life and stops occasionally to unleash her randomness into cyberspace I wouldn't read her blog! In fact, I think I will disable internet in my home just to avoid being infected by her sheer retardedness. Oh yes guys, I did call myself retarded. xD

Ah well, I was taking a think to who'd read this thing and I came back with:

1) Shaowei
2) Nick
3) Myself
4) 1 or 2 bored people

So, I decided to do something for the people who read my blog, wherever you are. Not because it means that much to me that you engage in the self-torture of reading my ramblings, and, because I don't know who you are, I can't say you mean a lot to me personally. I guess its because either you're my friends or my stalker, you spared some time for my ramblings, I'll spare some time for you.

Yeah so, if you are one of my lucky readers, you will get treated to RUTH'S LAME JOKES :D:D:D
(meanwhile, I thought of these during cny celebs xD)

1) You put a newborn kid and his grandma at opposite ends of the same room.  They stay seated and they don't say hi. Why?

Because they can't form a standing wave: They are on different wavelengths. 

2) You put a pair of 6-year olds in a small room and they argue. Why aren't there regions of constructive and destructive interference?

Because they aren't coherent sources. 


Are you laughing? I bet you are. If you aren't you're either slow, sad or not a physics student. Too bad, Bio is mugger, I never understood humanities and everyone in the middle is just weird.

Anyway, no, I'm kidding thats not the reward for being my readers. If you read my blog, you can ask a favor of me this week. And just this week (that's 3 days btw). Alright?

The Simply Difficult can be the Simple Difficulty

Why am I not asleep yet?

Ah well, I realised a lot of lame people don't get my msn nick huh. Slow people, shows how long you spend glancing at a row of text. Ok that was random.

Besides that, TSD is driving me mad now, I can deal with staying back everyday till 10, I can deal with sewing every minute of everyday, I can memorise lines as Chester's mom, I can even deal with running the Hedda Gabler duologue on loop for a day straight, but what I cannot deal with is the sinking feeling that you are stuck in something that you aren't good enough for.

Its really scary to go in as an innocent s06 student who is everything but artsy, attempting so many things you never tried. I mean, do I look like I can do makeup? My HOUSE doesn't even have any makeup in it (including my mum and sis. beat that.) Do I look like i can act? Or script? Or...aiya, dammit I'm emoing wth.

Some of it is fun, but when assessment draws near, you kinda understand why everyone prefers not to be tested in things that they do "for fun" or things that they "try out" and rather scuttle toward some safety blanket of a subject.

But of course, no matter what TSD does to me, it still pwns Econs. Duh.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzz

I realise I haven't posted for a while. Then again, not much diff since no one seems to read this, I mean, you gotta be pretty insane to be listening to me for an extended amount of time. 


I realised there are problems in sleeping in the same room as your sister, I mean, I can live without privacy, I can leave being banished to the toilet when people call me, I can even live with her dumping her stuff everywhere and anywhere in my room. But yesterday I learnt a painful lesson in ceding to your sisters "afraid to sleep alone" whims. 


In the middle of a rare night of sleep that lasted longer than 4 hours, I fell into the crack between the two beds. Trying to stay in the dream that I was in I flopped around, trying to extricate myself from that crevice. Guess what happened? Oh yes, the beds split and I landed on the floor in a thump. 


Thats when I decided that I dreamily got up and shoved the bed back and tried to flop back to sleep. But then, I tasted something funny and realised I had sliced my lip in 2 spots using the sharp premolars I have. Oh yes, it was bleeding like mad and there were spots of blood on my pajamas where I tried to find out why my spit was darker than normal. 


Thats when I finally gave up staying in the same dream, got myself up and washed the blood away. 


What a waste of a good dream, especially since I spent the entire of the next day getting teased by my mum that my lip swelled to look like Angelina Jolie. Wth. 

Random Musing

A day of boredom brings new realisations.

The space behind the TSD room is really dusty.

Wet blanko gets everywhere.

When you see that your family members start wearing queer clothes, the fashion has not changed, it means you haven't ironed the clothes.

When you are typing random musings at this hour on a Wednesday night, you know you probably are not going to study for the physics lecture test tomorrow.

When you start thinking "hey, this sounds interesting together, lets try to work it into my essay" you know you are going to fail that GP essay.

When you agree to your mum saying "hey ruth lemme buy you a pink skirt for newyear" you know something has gone wrong.

Why are there dents in my bottle?
'
Oh shoot math tutorial.

Thus ends my random musings.

:D:D:D

I should really be doing work but...

HIJ 1st COY I LOVE YOU!

BRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZEBRONZE

You guys really deserved it, all credit to you guys (:

I'm bored enough to post lyrics again.

I love this song and its annoyingly bouncing about my head for no reason at all. Zzz. And I guess I am that bored.


Heartbreak Lullaby (A* Teens) 


In the still, of the night, I can almost feel you 
lying next to me, like it used to be. 
Its hard, to let go, When there's always 
something there reminding me, how things could be. 


I tried to get you off my mind, 
I tried to play my part, 
But every time I close my eyes, 
You're still inside my heart. 


Why can't I laugh? Why must I cry? 
Every time we say goodbye? 
Why does it rain, here in my heart?
Every day that we're apart? 
Why can't it be, just you and me? 
What would it take to make you see, 
These are the words, to my heartbreak lullaby. 


Like the stars, in the sky, you keep on 
shining down your light on me, 
but out of reach.
I know, that in time, 
You'll come back to your senses, 
And see the signs, change your mind. 


I tried to look the other way
And keep my heart on hold,
But every time I'm close to you
I lose my self-control. 


Why can't I laugh? Why must I cry? 
Every time we say goodbye? 
Why does it rain, here in my heart, 
Every day that we're apart?
Why can't it be, just you and me? 
What would it take to make you see, 
These are the words, to my heartbreak lullaby. 


Why can't I laugh? Why must I cry? 
Give me just one good reason why. 
Why does it rain, here in my heart, 
Every day that we're apart? 
Why can't it be, just you and me, 
what would it take to make you see, 
these are the words, 
to my heartbreak lullaby.

I learnt something new today. 


I learnt that you should never try to beat the odds, its like trying to drop a singleton offside queen when you can just take the finesse on the other side. If there is a singleton queen then you are definitely the top board, but there is logic in everyone telling you that you should just finesse and let the singleton queen take because everyone else will do the same thing. And it doesn't matter if something seems to be screaming that there is a singleton queen as you reach forward to play the jack, its likely yet another annoying member of the bridge club. 


Invariably, I guess dreams just don't exist and chasing it is like chasing the wind. Dreams are dreams for a reason, and if you try too hard to beat the odds and float up to that illusive cloud in the sky, you'll just come crashing down when reality hits and look up in a daze hearing everyone go "I told you so". 


That's when you learnt that dreams aren't meant for living, life is meant for living. And life is meant to be spent on earth, not in the clouds. 

Reading

I hate reading. 


Something about moving your eyes across a sea of text just doesn't work for me. I look at the tower of books I need to read for TSD and I die a little inside. Die a lot inside. I'd rather do 3 H3 tutorials in order to avoid reading my GP infopack. So yeah, imagine my emotions as I try to read one page of 名家谈粱山伯与祝英台. 


I don't know how some people find joy and entertainment in it. Like those people who, when they are asked to introduce themselves, go "Hi my name is ____. I like reading." I feel like throttling them, I mean, I know that reading brings you into a new fantasy world where you become fully immersed in the splendor of that world. But, 


1) Think about it, to the people who are watching you immerse yourself in the cataclysmic struggles of that separate universe, you just look like a nerd peering into thick decks of yellowing pieces of paper. 
2) So what if you find a new world? You need to get out of it after the book ends. Aww~
3) Isn't it a bit sad that you, as humans, don't want to see what is amazing around you and don't want to be actively involved in the creation of a "happily ever after", but instead prefer to passively observe an imaginary universe, closing out the universe around you? 
4) Look at my perfect eyesight, look at your glasses. Nuff said. 


Ah well, I shall end my angsty blogpost before everyone i know comes to kill me (I am in RJ, land of nerds, I remind myself). Headed by my sister, no doubt. 


And I qualify, I might be just writing this because I spent the last 4.5 hours reading The Relapse. Painful thing. 

Hairbandom of doom!

Recently, when I went around school with my new hairband I got so many comments which upsetted the both of us (me and my hairband of course) quite a bit. Among which: 


Dr Wong: Girls, hair accessories must be black, white, green and...ruth's definitely cannot. 
Sanu: Augh, I'm going blind. 
Nick: Ruth, seriously, what's with the hairband? (which is not a sad comment except that he repeats it everytime he sees me) 
Clarence: You and your BLING hairband...
Haiwei: Hi Ruth...eh where's your hairband! 
Kenneth: You're like edward cullen, you sparkle


I will not go on. 


Well, to all you unenlightened individuals, my hairbandom and me are all rather displeased, even scandalized by your tasteless comments. And I, on behalf of them, will proceed to introduce them to you. They HAVE names, so stop anyhow calling. 


The original black with sliver spots: Smokey 
The old black with red spots: Scuderia 
The black with crystal spots: Starrie 
The multicolour plastic one: Brightvale
The red satin with a ribbon: Mollie
Triple stripe black one which is broken: Blondot 
The TSD one (I won't even bother describing): Sabrina
The multicolour cloth stripey one I think I broke for my sister: Sunshine
Plastic red wiggly one: Tifosi 
The ones that supposedly change colour under UV light: Jelly Welly and Melly 
The one I gave mum then got back: Wonderwoman
The blue, green and white thin ones: Kazoo, Kamoo and Kapoo
Some lacey thing my grandma bought: Rutabanga
Black sport band I never wear: Morte 
White one for skating: Glosser
The one clarence bought: Annoying
Orange one I bought from Melaka: Bonez
Spring shaped red one: Sproingg
The supertight melakan one: HeadusHurtus
A new ribbon velvet one my mom gave me: Belle
A random black plastic one: Woozles 


And, the one everyone waits for, 


The famous kaleidoscopic one: Lollipop girl


(On a side note, I shall treat tehbing to anyone who can remember the whole list xD Even I can't keep track)


I should really get a full collection group photo or something but I lack the photography skill or equipment and this family is so large it is hard to assemble, with the young ones flying from place to place in my room, the alphas on daily duty and the retried ones being too broken to move. Eitherway, you can look at my fb i think I have the old family photos. 

kekekekeke.

Today I made realisation: 


EVERYONE in my class, is just as childish as me. Oh yeah, everyone. And you too zy. And you too WYM. And you too...all of you. Hurhur, age is no defense against an atmosphere of childishness. 

Life's a bitch.

I don't swear, I never do, but somehow this phrase got stuck in my head. Life is a bitch, but I guess thats what makes it life and not a trip to candymountain D: 


I'm actually beginning to think that schoolwork is the easiest part of JC life. Maybe cos I'm naturally obtuse and a saigang warrior but somehow, after you run around after this that and everything, its actually therapeutic to sit down in front of graph theory, stone and go "qua?" 


Sleep and happiness, I think these are the commodities in lowest supply and highest demand these days. I'm having a hard time choosing between the two. I think sleep wins marginally though. There is always joy in childishly poking fun at Zhangyue (insert the haiwei smiley here). 

Take me baby, or leave me~

Annoying TSD song stuck in my head. lalala. 


Ah well, I'm staring at this book my sister gave me for xmas last year. It says "Amenesia today, brain wave tomorrow". And thats so inherently true in the world. People don't naturally like to "think". I hate it too, ask clarence, he'll tell you. 


Not thinking is a self-defense mechanism, it makes you forget all the things you need to deal with


Not thinking is also self-destructive, because you can't save yourself from the mess around you. 


More problematically though, not thinking = the SATs. Zzz its so brainless I can't beat it. I'm gonna fail D: 

Song discrimination ftw.

According to Shaowei, I must have a deeper meaning in choosing my msn nicks because people don't anyhow choose lyrics. Well, Hi Shaowei, I'm someone who does. 


But since he feels so strongly that I am discriminating against the many other lines in this song, I shall therefore type the entire song here so it all gets its fair share of Ruthian glory. 


You'll be in My Heart (Phil Collins) 
Oh stop your crying it will be alright, 
Take my hand, hold it tight.
I will protect you from all around you, 
I will be here, don't you cry. 


For one so small, you seem so strong, 
My arms will hold you keep you safe and warm. 
This bond between us, can't be broken, 
I will be here, don't you cry. 


Cos you'll be in my heart, 
Yes you'll be in my heart, 
From this day on, now and forever more. 
You'll be in my heart, 
No matter what they say, 
You'll be here in my heart, always. 


Why can't they understand the way we feel?
They just don't trust, what they can't explain. 
I know we're different but, deep inside us
We're not that different at all. 


Cos you'll be in my heart, 
Yes you'll be in my heart. 
From this day on, now and forever more. 
You'll be in my heart, 
no matter what they say, 
You'll be here in my heart, always. 


Don't listen to them, cos what do they know? 
We need each other, to have, to hold. 
They'll see in time, I know...
When destiny calls you, you must be strong, 
I may not be with you, but you got to hold on. 
They'll see in time, they were wrong. 
They'll see in time, I know...


We'll show them together cos, 
You'll be in my heart, 
Yes, you'll be in my heart, 
From this day on, now and forever more.
You'll be in my heart, 
No matter what they say, 
You'll be here in my heart, always. 


Always. Always and Always. 
I'll be here for you always. always and always. 
Just look over your shoulder, 
Just look over your shoulder, 
I'll be here, always.